A New Season in Life
I've been neglecting my personal blog for quite some time but recently, with things changing very rapidly in my life, I've been feeling a very strong urge to write again. Writing and English in general have always been something I enjoyed and I'm happy to be writing again.
My faith has been something incredibly strong in my life for as long as I can remember. I grew up in a Christian home attending church every Sunday. I gave my life to Christ as a personal choice first in 7th grade during a weekend retreat in Ocean City and then again the following year during confirmation. This story might as well be called my updated testimony.
I've always had a deep prayer life, believing that just like a normal relationship on earth, you must maintain that same dynamic with God. You don't ask a friend for a favor and expect they won't cash one in a later date. I'm not suggesting God gives out favors, but I am suggesting that you must give thanks and have faith before you can ever expect something in your life to change. Matthew 16:25 - For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.
I had a job for a long while, outside of my own wedding + portrait photography business and without sharing details or calling anyone out because that's not what I'm here to do, it had been going downhill for quite some time and deep in my heart I was feeling every negative emotion possible about the situation. I was angry, sad, annoyed, frustrated and so much more but above all else, I was silent about it. So silent in fact that I let it eat away at me in a way I'm not proud of.
I was afraid to check my phone, scared there would be an email in my inbox that would make me feel bad about myself. I was afraid to go to work, knowing an unpredictable person could tear me down instantly. I was afraid to travel, something I love more than a lot of other things, because comments had been made to me so my own successes and abilities to see God's creation was deemed "less important" than this job. It was a way of life not worth living for any paycheck. I struggled because yeah, being a small business owner is hard. You fully depend on yourself to bring home a check so having a stable side job for me was really difficult to walk away from. I'm a goal setter and I'm also someone who gets very frustrated when I don't meet my goals and moving is at the top of my list so making money in any possible way was something I was just going to suck up.
Until one night, a few weeks ago when I was lying in bed at 12:30am on the verge of tears because there in my inbox were emails and ridiculous requests that were the very cause of my stress for the past few months. I sat there thinking "What's the last straw?" I had internally decided and was planning on June being my last month, but with every passing day filled with negativity, my clock began to speed up. So as I was on the verge of tears, asking myself when I wouldn't be able to put up with this garbage any longer, I closed my eyes and prayed.
I prayed harder than I've prayed in a long time. I prayed for guidance. I prayed for relief. I prayed for words to say because I may be writing a lot of them out right now but they're hard to find in a confrontational situation. I told God the situation was His - that I fully had faith He would provide me with the answers I needed.
The next morning I had a meeting and before I could open my mouth with the words I mustered up the courage to finally say, I heard the words, "We have to let you go." Guys. I tried SO hard not to smile. I stood there and nodded my head a whole lot but inside I was like "Holy crap, God is so freaking good. I didn't even have to open my mouth and was given the biggest gift I could even imagine right now." The Lord knows exactly what's on your heart and hears exactly what you ask Him. This is just one of many instances in my life where I've prayed and because I am faithful and open to His works have seen just how powerful they can be in my life and in my heart.
I stood there and while I was thanking God for this gift, I was also overcome with hurt. Yeah, I got what I wanted and was beyond stoked on that, but there was this chance and opportunity to say all the things I despised about this company. I didn't say a word. And I'm not writing this and saying it now as a last word thing. That's not even close to what this is about. This is about not letting people walk all over you. This is about remembering that this is God's plan for your life and you will learn something from every good and bad situation. This is about losing my faith for a period of time because I sat in a negative situation and doubted the plan to get me out of it.
The Saturday evening I got let go, Jonathan and I had plans to try a church out by the name of Lighthouse. If you've been following me on Instagram for a while now, you'd know we've been on a hunt for a church for longer than I would have liked. All of them had things we liked but plenty of aspects we didn't like. I was so tired from the heavy emotions of the day that I almost didn't go but decided I might as well.
Two services in, the second ending with me bawling my eyes out uncontrollably because I once again, seven years later, was able to give my life to Christ. A whirlwind of two weeks coming to a close with the exciting start to a new adventure, a new church and a new pool of opportunities. I stood there in awe of my blessings. It's a hard feeling to explain if you've never felt God touch your heart like I'm describing, but the most I can say is that giving God my life once again was the best decision I could have made.
So what's next? I don't know! We've chosen to call Lighthouse our church and I'm so excited to see what God does for myself, for Jonathan and for us as a couple. God is so good and my prayer is that I never forget where He's led me and that I didn't do it on my own. My hand was held the entire time.